More Wine?
I was in sulky school-boy mode as soon as she mentioned it. Arms folded, bottom lip out and my eyebrows pulled down as low as possible.
‘Oh please, come on. You’ll enjoy it when you get there.’
‘No I won’t.’
‘Look, they are lovely and are really looking forward to meeting you. Please. For me?’ looking up adoringly
‘OK, OK I’ll go to your sister’s dinner party.’
‘Get the wine from the fridge,’ she called grabbing the car keys before I could change my mind.
I did as I was told even though I would have much preferred a quiet night in with a few mates, downing a few cans whilst watching the match, intermittently scratching my nether regions (without anyone complaining) and the only intellectual chat we’d be engaged in would be trying to solve that age old dilemma that man has been battling with for decades – whether the Jaffa Cake was actually a cake or a biscuit.
‘Blimey, she lives here?’ I looked up at the incredibly swanky apartment block. My heart sank as I looked down at my tatty boots, slightly-too-worn-to-be-fashionable jeans and faded shirt. I wasn’t normally one to be worried about my appearance too much but then again it wasn’t usual for me to be going on a proper adult night out. One that didn’t involve the aforementioned beer, TV and scratching.
‘You look fine,’ she assured me without me actually having to say anything. She looked stunning as usual. She had that knack of looking terrific in whatever she wore, ‘come on.’
‘Alice, darling, how lovely to see you,’ gushed our hostess for the evening. Joanna was very tall, elegant and dressed to kill.
‘Joanna lovely to see you,’ mimicked Alice mid air kiss, ‘this is James.’
‘Darling man, lovely to see you,’ schmack, schmack, ‘I must just borrow him,’ and with that I was swept off to the kitchen before either of us could protest. Joanna dragged me over to the biggest cooker I’d ever seen which was covered with a huge array of bubbling pans.
‘What do you think of this sauce? I was so pleased when Alice said you would be able to come along this evening, I’ve just been dying to meet you. So, what do you think?’ she asked as she shoved a spoon in my mouth.
‘Very nice,’ I offered. In all honesty it was.
‘Nice?’ she looked crestfallen, ‘is there something missing from it?’
‘Tastes fine to me.’
‘That’s good. I’ve been so worried about tonight ever since I knew there would be top class chef amongst us,’ she said winking.
‘Oh really? Who’s that then?’
Joanna looked totally confused, ‘well, you of course.’
‘Me? No, I’m not a chef. I’m in IT.’
‘Really?’ Joanna reddened slightly, ‘well, best not hog you all night. Let’s find the others.’
Hovering in the living room was Alice, Jeffrey (Joanna’s husband) and a few other couples I’d not met before.
‘There you are,’ said Alice, ‘thought I’d lost you.’
‘Have one of these,’ Jeffrey thrust a plate of rather small nibbles under my nose, ‘I’m sure you could do better eh?’ he winked.
‘Look, I’m not a chef,’ I replied slightly more forcefully than I had intended. ‘Who the hell is this chef your sister and her husband seem to think I am?’ I asked Alice after Jeffrey had disappeared back into the kitchen.
‘He was an ex of mine,’ she coloured slightly.
‘But we’ve been together over six months now. How come you haven’t told your sister about me?’ I was getting a bit narked now.
Alice explained that she rarely discusses men with her smugly married sister (her words not mine) so they’d just assumed I was the last one that they had heard about. Of course to me it meant that this guy had obviously been a demon in the kitchen, bedroom and had looked like a combination of Hugh Grant, George Clooney and quite possibly Colin Firth too. She just smiled at me.
‘If you want to know he was a heavy drinker, had a beer-belly and was so knackered when he got in from work that he couldn’t even butter a slice of bread and was the most egotistical prat I’d ever had the misfortune to meet!’
Yes, I am that shallow. I knew that Alice had been out with other guys, but we guys sometimes have overactive imaginations, especially when it comes to the dreaded ex. After hearing the truth about the Chef I was transformed into a very happy man. The demons of the former boyfriend had been laid to rest.
‘This is really good,’ I said to Joanna as we finished the starter. And I wasn’t lying, it actually was good. I had absolutely no idea what it was as the name she had announced had been something foreign. But I was pretty sure there were mushrooms in it, some sort of cheese and I think bacon?
‘Thanks,’ she smiled sweetly still rather scarred by her gastronomic faux pas.
As the wine flowed and the main course arrived I was almost beginning to enjoy the evening. I was starting to get a taste for the grape and even the thought that I was missing the football paled into the background. Perhaps being a grown-up wasn’t so bad after all.
‘Would you mind passing the butter James? By the way Alice,’ added Joanna in a slightly smug big sister voice, ‘you’ll never guess who’s coming back to town next week.’
‘Mmmm, I heard,’ Alice mumbled through her Spanish Pork with Olives.
‘Oh.’ Joanna looked deflated.
‘Mmmm, got an email from him last week,’ she added putting her knife and fork together on her plate.
‘Who’s that then?’ I asked getting into this casual chitchat Dinner Party lark.
‘Erm, Guy. He’s an ex-boyfriend of mine. He’s flying in from the States. A really nice guy, I’m sure you’ll like him,’ she added smiling taking another swig of wine.
‘Great,’ I said. I could handle this. Ex’s were a breeze now. Bring it on. ‘So what does he do?’
‘Oh, he’s a model.’
Shit! The demons were back.
